Today's Helpful Tip: An ounce of prevention is worth a ton of punitive damages

For the last year and a half, I've worked on a number of child sex abuse cases on behalf of a practitioner who does has a lot of these cases. This isn't where I thought I'd do a lot of work - the one sex abuse case I worked on in law school made me drink. (OK, just for one  night.  But still.) Most of what I'd known about sex abuse came from Law and Order: SVU.  Now I can talk about sex abuse in really graphic terms, without even realizing I'm doing it. My summaries of fact in memos can turn your stomach, and frankly, they should.  This is sick stuff. 

For whatever it's worth, this is how my career has shaken out, and now it's something I think and talk about frequently, mostly with great passion and mostly with great anger.  Because the victims are fucked up. Fucked up like Vietnam combat vets are fucked up.

Sometimes these are adults whose lives have been completely wrecked by the sex abuse.  Sometimes they're kids whose lives are just starting to be completely wrecked by the sex abuse.  The cases involve Boy Scouts, or ministers, or church volunteers, or family, or employers.  (Sometimes they're all of the above.) 

The one thing they all have in common?  Someone knew the guy (yeah, they're all guys) was a molester.  And that someone didn't say anything. 

(And about the "my life was ruined by false accusations" people?   I know -- especially in the context of bitter custody disputes -- that sometimes false accusations are made.  In a perfect world, prosecutors and police would have much better tools to get to the truth of the matter - like, for example, what is ordinary sexual development and what is hypersexual, victim behavior.  People who do make those groundless accusations should be criminally prosecuted and/or lose custody to the blameless parent.  But frankly, there are so many molesters out there crying "my life was ruined by false accusations" that I have a hard time taking that line seriously.)

In a church, sometimes the guy molested a kid before, and no one thought to restrain him from "spending time" with other kids.  Or sometimes the church leadership didn't want to "punish" other members of the molester's family by making a big deal of the molestation.  Or sometimes the molester was a minister who the regional leadership knew was a molester, and yet decided to place in a church without warning the church beforehand.

Ditto Scouts. 
Ditto volunteers.
Ditto foster parents.
Ditto employers.
Ditto neighbors.   

And we all know what happens next, right?  Because child molesters don't just stop if you pray about it, or if they promise they'll never, ever do it again, or if you give them a second chance, or if you just hope they'll get better.  Because they don't, or they can't, or they won't.  They just move on to another kid - and then that kid is fucked up, too. 

So here's my helpful tip of the day: if you know that that guy diddled a kid, no matter how long ago it was, TELL EVERYONE YOU KNOW. And then call the police.   He's not entitled to have a good reputation - as far as I'm concerned, he's not entitled to be around other people, period.  He's not entitled to teach Sunday School, or lead a troop of Scouts, or act as a foster parent.  It's not OK to say "he can volunteer as long as his own kids are there, too." (Often he's diddling his own kids, too.)   It's not OK to say, "We are keeping our eyes on him."   The guy is a molester and he will find some way to molest.  If you know he's a molester and he's spending time around kids, it is your absolute moral duty as a human being to turn his ass in.  Period. 

If the guy gives you a creepy feeling but you don't have any "real" information?  For God's sake, keep your kid away from him.   You really think your kid's entire future happiness is worth sparing some creepy guy's  (or his wife's) feelings?

And if you think someone might have molested your kid?  Whatever the hell you do, don't ignore it and hope it goes away.  It won't.  Call the cops.  Get your kid in therapy that day. And sue the bastard(s) who made it possible for the molester to have contact with your kid. 

Sometimes it's the only way to make sure.   

Comments

[Law Student Hot Mama]

I took a class this semester about juvenile legal issues ... the number of kids abused in foster care (by the foster parents and/or other foster kids) is absolutely appalling. And why is it that these people are all in positions of trust? I guess they seek out a profession that is going to give them an opportunity to molest? Sick. And they NEVER think they're sick-o's either! They always preface what they're going to tell you with, "Well, I'm not a sick-o or anything, but . . . "

Bastards.

[The Q]

YES! Just yes, yes, yes.

Nothing makes me more upset than this topic. It literally makes me sick to my stomach. I would kill (with my own bare hands) anyone who touches my Niece. End of story.

[Robyn Parnell]

check out this Dear Abby, letter #3, from a teen molested by her brother who wonders if she should share this info with her likely fiance:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ucda/20080507/lf_ucda/grandmastermofendearmentisnotappropriatefortoddler;_ylt=AtgMSXMh8fZu9el8cXleMs8F1vAI
Abby's pathetic excuse for advice:
"And the behavior your brother displayed when he molested you shows that -- at least at that time in his life -- he had a lack of empathy for the feelings of others, namely you. You could benefit greatly by discussing what happened with a counselor who has expertise in sexual assault, and frankly, so could your brother. However, I see no reason to discuss what happened with your boyfriend until you become formally engaged, particularly because he might react in a volatile manner."

"At that time in his life." Oh, and he's probably just fine, now. He cured himself, without any intervention or motivation. Abusers always do, don't they?

Absolutely f***'in chilling. Nothing about the victim's responsibility to do something/anything to make sure he does not/has not repeated his victimization of others. No mention of the abuser, aside from the anemic suggestion that he could "benefit" from counseling. Yeah, I'm sure he's figured that out, on his own, and is now a model citizen, with benefits.

Shelley, you need to explain it to Abby. Get all legal on her clueless ass.

[Kim]

It IS absolutely infuriating and so very sad to see the way people's lives are affected by this. I'm so glad that you have the opportunity to do this kind of work.