The Menagerie

Today's Helpful Tip: An ounce of prevention is worth a ton of punitive damages

For the last year and a half, I've worked on a number of child sex abuse cases on behalf of a practitioner who does has a lot of these cases. This isn't where I thought I'd do a lot of work - the one sex abuse case I worked on in law school made me drink. (OK, just for one  night.  But still.) Most of what I'd known about sex abuse came from Law and Order: SVU.  Now I can talk about sex abuse in really graphic terms, without even realizing I'm doing it. My summaries of fact in memos can turn your stomach, and frankly, they should.  This is sick stuff. 

For whatever it's worth, this is how my career has shaken out, and now it's something I think and talk about frequently, mostly with great passion and mostly with great anger.  Because the victims are fucked up. Fucked up like Vietnam combat vets are fucked up.

Sometimes these are adults whose lives have been completely wrecked by the sex abuse.  Sometimes they're kids whose lives are just starting to be completely wrecked by the sex abuse.  The cases involve Boy Scouts, or ministers, or church volunteers, or family, or employers.  (Sometimes they're all of the above.) 

The one thing they all have in common?  Someone knew the guy (yeah, they're all guys) was a molester.  And that someone didn't say anything. 

(And about the "my life was ruined by false accusations" people?   I know -- especially in the context of bitter custody disputes -- that sometimes false accusations are made.  In a perfect world, prosecutors and police would have much better tools to get to the truth of the matter - like, for example, what is ordinary sexual development and what is hypersexual, victim behavior.  People who do make those groundless accusations should be criminally prosecuted and/or lose custody to the blameless parent.  But frankly, there are so many molesters out there crying "my life was ruined by false accusations" that I have a hard time taking that line seriously.)

In a church, sometimes the guy molested a kid before, and no one thought to restrain him from "spending time" with other kids.  Or sometimes the church leadership didn't want to "punish" other members of the molester's family by making a big deal of the molestation.  Or sometimes the molester was a minister who the regional leadership knew was a molester, and yet decided to place in a church without warning the church beforehand.

Ditto Scouts. 
Ditto volunteers.
Ditto foster parents.
Ditto employers.
Ditto neighbors.   

And we all know what happens next, right?  Because child molesters don't just stop if you pray about it, or if they promise they'll never, ever do it again, or if you give them a second chance, or if you just hope they'll get better.  Because they don't, or they can't, or they won't.  They just move on to another kid - and then that kid is fucked up, too. 

So here's my helpful tip of the day: if you know that that guy diddled a kid, no matter how long ago it was, TELL EVERYONE YOU KNOW. And then call the police.   He's not entitled to have a good reputation - as far as I'm concerned, he's not entitled to be around other people, period.  He's not entitled to teach Sunday School, or lead a troop of Scouts, or act as a foster parent.  It's not OK to say "he can volunteer as long as his own kids are there, too." (Often he's diddling his own kids, too.)   It's not OK to say, "We are keeping our eyes on him."   The guy is a molester and he will find some way to molest.  If you know he's a molester and he's spending time around kids, it is your absolute moral duty as a human being to turn his ass in.  Period. 

If the guy gives you a creepy feeling but you don't have any "real" information?  For God's sake, keep your kid away from him.   You really think your kid's entire future happiness is worth sparing some creepy guy's  (or his wife's) feelings?

And if you think someone might have molested your kid?  Whatever the hell you do, don't ignore it and hope it goes away.  It won't.  Call the cops.  Get your kid in therapy that day. And sue the bastard(s) who made it possible for the molester to have contact with your kid. 

Sometimes it's the only way to make sure.   

Product Review: Bissell Pet Hair Eraser Vacuum

We have a meticulously researched, reviewed, and relatively young vacuum.  It's broken.  That's how I ended up at Target a couple of weeks back, looking at vacuums.

I am not the Consumer Reports maven in our family (that would be Matthew).  All I really knew about vacuums was that I wanted a decent upright until the fancy canister was repaired.  I'd narrowed it down to Bissells, somehow or other (maybe because I've never been all that fond of Hoover, which made our steam cleaner, and someone had told me Dysons were overrated).  We had a Eureka years ago, but it was just OK.  Did I mention I didn't want to spend much money?   In fairness, we'd looked online and found a Bissell model that fit the bill.

But that model wasn't there, despite what the Target website said.  And in looking at the Bissells, I was immediately drawn to the one that says "Pet Hair Eraser," because I have the world's hairiest short-haired dog (and he's not even a whole dog, what with the missing leg!).  While the couch and carpet were carefully selected to avoid showing dog hair, my wardrobe was not.  So - the Pet Hair Eraser, or PHE.  It had a border collie on the box, which pretty much sold me.  (This is why I am not the Consumer Reports maven in our family, in case you were wondering.)  I called Matthew; he reminded me about the model we'd found online.  I hung up, then called sales "associates" over to assist.  At 9 PM on a Wednesday night at Target, they were, as you might imagine, not helpful - and told me that the model I'd come for wasn't there.  I was tired, the baby was tired, and I needed to get this done.  Five minutes later, I was the proud owner of the PHE. 

At home, Matthew started assembling the vacuum (I worked on the jumperoo, also purchased at Target that night).  He finished before I did, and vacuumed a small section of our living room.  The vacuum is bagless, but has HEPA filters (a must with us) -- and that small section of living room filled up the dirt container with dog hair.  We were seriously impressed.  (And being a germophobe, I was also grossed out at how filthy my floors apparently were.)   

Essentially: one room = one filled dirt container.  (I would guesstimate that one filled dirt container was equal to about half of the bag of the fancy canister, which was probably replaced once a month.)   The carpets look great. And emptying the filled container every room meant no dog hair smell while vacuuming - not an option for the canister, because it would become prohibitively expensive.

As for handling, well - it's big.  It's bulky.  It sounds like a jet engine.  The attachments are nowhere near as convenient as the canister's. It doesn't handle the wood floors all that well.  It does self-propel and it has a nice headlight.  Most importantly, though, it does a damn good job on the carpet (which accounts for 75% of the house), and I feel a lot better about the Peach learning to crawl. 

Just a friendly reminder

Even if you know your attorney has started working from home after the birth of her baby, it doesn't give you carte blanche to call her (over and over again) at 8:30-9 PM (without leaving messages) in the hopes she'll answer the phone.  She does, by the way, have Caller ID.

Geez Louise. 

Breathe, Shelley, Breathe

We met with hopefully-future-parttime-nanny today.  (Matthew came, too.)  It seemed to go well -- we liked her.  She held the baby (Eden liked her).  We talked about what she's done (nannied for twins!), what she wants to be paid (Portland market standard), how much she could work (four days a week, five hours a day) and what our house is like (currently a disaster).  We talked about when she could start (September 1ish).  She'll be visiting our house next week to see what it's like (hopefully not a disaster).

I have to keep myself from wild daydreams of what it might be like to have 20 hours a week to work (good god, I could work enough to pay for her AND enough to pay student loans!).  I'd still be home, Eden would still be at home, but I could get so much done!  I could go to court guilt-free!  I could do memos in one sitting!  I might take a day off and do nothing but have a marathon costume-drama-DVD day! 

This is heady stuff.  I can't think of the last time I was so desperately hoping someone would like me.  Please-please-please!

Today's helpful tip for pregnant women

Avoid tripping and falling on your left side.  You'll get a free (courtesy of Federal Blue Cross) trip to Labor and Delivery for four+ hours of fetal monitoring and tests. 

And you'll find out you're having contractions as an extra special bonus.  (Fortunately, I didn't actually go into labor, and they sent me home.)

Shelley's Professionalism Tip

If you tell someone -- particularly a cranky, pregnant opposing counsel -- that you're going to be at a certain judge's chambers at 8:30 for that cranky, pregnant opposing counsel's ex parte appearance, then SHOW UP.  Do not call the judge's clerk and say you're sick.  (However, informing the judge's clerk that you don't oppose the cranky, pregnant opposing counsel's motion is a Good Thing.)

Today's helpful tip

Do not ever, ever let yourself go more than six months without tuning your cello.  Ever.  (I'd no intention of letting her lie in her case for so long, but between a wrist sprain, the pregnancy, and my utter inability to do more than eat, sleep, and work for a few months, it just happened.) 

I spent a good 30+ minutes tuning.  I'm really lucky that I didn't break any strings  in the process.  (It was close with the A string.)  One good thing: I had not kept her downstairs during the winter, with the awful temp fluxuations.  Upstairs it's pretty universally warm. 

Today's Helpful Tip

If you're in the northwest and are going to be sexually molested by the employee of a church or corporation and you plan to stick it to that church or corporation, make sure you're molested in Oregon, as opposed to Washington.  Their vicarious liability case law really sucks. 

Helpful Tip for Bluish-Monday

The problem with being super-efficient on a Monday morning and getting a stack of long-procrastinated tasks done is that by noon you will feel as though you have accomplished enough that you ought to be done for the day. Except you aren't, because you have two clients coming in the afternoon.

***

You know, I don't know why I keep writing these hints in second person.

Shelley's Tip for Online Groceries

Make sure you check how many yogurts you've ordered before clicking "submit."

(It's a good thing Matthew likes yogurt.)

Shelley's Tips for Divorced or Divorcing Parents at Big Family Events

This spring, my parents divorced after 35 1/2 years of marriage.  It had been about a year (legally speaking) in coming (more like 20 years practically speaking).  As soon as Sarah and Rob announced their engagement, all of the kids started wondering how our parents would handle the wedding and reception. 

[That we were having this conversation over and over again in the year up to the wedding is funny in and of itself.  As a minister's family, we know how to perform in public.  We have church smiles, laughs, and polite conversation.  We were raised to do this; we call it "Chrystal mode," and we drop into it effortlessly.] 

But divorce does strange things to people.  While the wedding last night was the best I've ever attended, full of the nicest group of people I've had the joy of drinking and dancing with, sadly I witnessed some new lows in parental relations, hence this evening's public service announcement for those of you in my parents' situation: how to behave at a family event. 

First of all, divorced parents: your adult kids don't give a rip why you're divorced. Not our business.  Try to remember that, although at our age you may be able to talk to us like we're friends, we're still your children.  We may be in our thirties (or older), but we still struggle with the idea of you having sex or using the bathroom.  Give us this, OK?   The details are not our business.  Do not share them.

Second, when you bad-mouth the other parent in front of us, it makes us uncomfortable.  It also makes us like you a little less.  Try to remember that we love you both, or are trying to.  In the context of a public event, when you do this in front of others, it makes you seem grasping and pathetic. 

Third, the public event is about the event. Not you.  Not the divorce.  Not the multitude of sins the other party committed twenty years ago.   You can brood tomorrow, but for tonight, have a canape and a glass of chardonnay...and give it a rest.  Do not talk to your children about the divorce (see number two, above).

Fourth, do not count the minutes your child spends with the other parent and compare the total with the number of minutes spent at your table.  Even if you do, please do not tell the child that you have been doing so.  And do not say, after the child laughs nervously, that you were not joking.  See number 2 above for how this will make you appear.  It will also really piss off the child.

Fifth, do not drink too much.  Sure, it makes the situation a little more bearable, but it does nothing for what the other side's family is going to think about you (or your child).

Sixth, do not speculate on which portions of the DSM-IV describe the ex-spouse.  You're welcome to think it, but if you say anything about it out loud, your children may begin to speculate which portions of the DSM-IV describe you as soon as you are out of earshot. 

Seventh, do not make snarky comments to or about your ex-spouse in the receiving line. 

Eighth, do not let your siblings make snarky comments about your ex-spouse, in the receiving line or elsewhere.

Ninth, remember that you are there to have a good time.  If you can't have a good time at the public event, or else convincingly fake it, then leave early. 

Tenth, putting your children in the middle is tacky and childish.  When you do it in public, particularly at a wedding, you're risking your future relationship with your kids.

Today's Helpful Tip

If you're a pro se who has called the opposing attorney four times in one day, leaving rambling and vague voicemails, if you hold off until the next day to make that fifth call, instead of after 5 PM that evening, the o/a will be that much more likely to be polite.

Gah.

Today's Helpful Tip

If you're some poor lawyer's client, and your lawyer calls you and says, "Hey, good news! We got the hearing we were trying for!"* the correct response is not to bitch about the date of the hearing and demand it get moved closer up...at least not if you want your lawyer to like you. Trust me on this one.

*Particularly when you aren't entitled to a second hearing on the same matter and you f-ed up the first one as a pro se.

Today's Helpful Tip

If you ever find yourself pregnant, do not -- at any time during that pregnancy -- think to yourself, "I must be part of that 40% of women who don't get morning sickness." Superstitious or not, you will be jinxed and miserable for the next three days straight. At least.